


Hard Feelings

by Electra_XT



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alcohol, Angst, Infidelity, M/M, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Sex Dreams, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:54:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23387704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Electra_XT/pseuds/Electra_XT
Summary: Klaus coughed again. “Promise you’ll stay with me?”“Yeah,” Diego said, already half-asleep. “‘Course I will.”—Or, the one where Diego cheats on Klaus.
Relationships: Diego Hargreeves/Klaus Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy/Diego Hargreeves
Comments: 34
Kudos: 171





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is really, really, really about Diego/Five. Diego/Klaus does not come off super well, if that is a concern for you. You've been warned.
> 
> Set post-apocalypse, but they fixed it. As always, Five is an adult!

Diego was woken up by a hand clutching his shoulder.

“Diego,” Klaus choked.

“Hey, baby,” Diego said blearily as Klaus dissolved into a hacking cough. “Y’need something?”

The weirdest thing about Klaus’s nightmares was that he always woke up coughing. Not sobbing, but coughing, like the ghosts were stuck in his windpipe. And after three months of living together, Diego should have been used to it, but he was never quite prepared.

“Yeah,” Klaus gasped, “yeah, just—”

Diego rolled over. Klaus’s lean body was soaked with sweat. Diego stroked his back as he hiccuped; traced every bony knob of his spine. “You want to talk about it?”

Klaus shuddered. “I don’t know. It’s bad.”

“Hey,” Diego said. He rolled over to face Klaus, taking his hand. “I’m here. Talk.”

“No,” Klaus said. “I don’t want to give them… more attention. They already live in my mind.”

“You want me to hold you?” Diego said.

Klaus visibly relaxed. Diego shifted forward and gathered Klaus up in his arms, pulling him in tight. He stroked his back, rubbing in a slow back-and-forth, rocking Klaus until his breathing slowed. He pressed his lips to Klaus’s damp neck. 

“You’re all right, babe,” he mumbled. “You’re good. Swear it.”

“Diego?”

“What’s up?”

Klaus coughed again. “Promise you’ll stay with me?”

“Yeah,” Diego said, already half-asleep. “‘Course I will.”

Diego was naked except for a towel and reaching into his dresser for clothes to wear when he heard the sound of Five materializing behind him.

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Diego said, turning around and tightening his towel around himself. “What the hell do you want?”

Five was standing in the center of the room, wearing a crisp button-down shirt and a pair of aviator sunglasses, looking like he’d just stepped out of a photoshoot. Diego was standing in front of him, a towel wrapped around his waist, looking like he’d just stepped out of the shower.

Which he had.

“Apologies for interrupting you,” Five said smoothly.

“Yeah, this is the part where you say sorry and leave,” Diego said. “Come back sometime when I’m dressed.”

“Well, someone’s overreacting,” Five said, taking his sunglasses off. He set them on the table, running a hand through his hair.

“You going through a midlife crisis?” Diego said, lips twitching in a smirk despite himself. “The preppy look is new.”

Five smiled. “You like it?”

“It’s interesting,” Diego said. “Looks like you’re going through some… poster boy phase.” He turned to the dresser again, holding the towel around his waist as he pulled out some clothes from the drawer. “Can you be normal about it if I get dressed right here, or should I change upstairs?”

“You can do it here,” Five said.

Diego looked at him. “You sure?”

“Christ, Diego, I don’t care if I see your dick,” Five said. “I’m not helplessly attracted to you or anything.”

Diego grinned. He turned, dropping his towel and pulling on his boxers. “So why are you here, then?”

“Oh, you know,” Five said.

“No matter how confidently you say that, it’s not an answer,” Diego said. He straightened up. “Are you here to see Klaus?”

“Why would I come to you if I wanted to see Klaus?” Five said, eyes tracking Diego’s bare torso.

Diego stepped into his jeans, leaning down to pull them up. “He lives here.”

Five frowned. He looked around, taking in the sight of Klaus’s scattered possessions. “Interesting. I can see that now. He’s here full time?”

“You got a problem with that?” Diego said.

“You’re defensive when you’re half-naked,” Five said, smirking.

“You’re weird.”

Five said nothing. Diego sat up. He watched Five cast his eyes over the space.

“Why are you so twisted up over him moving in with me?” Diego said, grabbing his sweater. “That’s what two people do when they’re in a relationship.”

Five stopped.

Diego pulled his sweater down over his head. “What?”

“Relationship,” Five said. He pronounced the word like he’d never heard it before.

“Is it the incest thing?” Diego said. “I thought we all collectively agreed not to flip our shit after Allison and Luther started hooking up.”

“I wasn’t there to see them hooking up,” Five said absently. “But it doesn’t bother me.”

Diego looked up at him. Five’s face looked shuttered in a way it hadn’t before. “Hard to believe that.”

Five’s gaze flickered to his face. “What?”

“You look bothered,” Diego said.

“Do I?” Five said.

“Klaus and I are together,” Diego said, enunciating carefully.

“I’m aware now,” Five said.

“Is there a problem?”

Five drew himself up, adjusting his leather jacket. His face looked unusually sober, betraying the extra decades that Diego knew in practice always weighed on him. “There isn’t a problem,” he said. He opened his mouth, looking like he was about to say something else, but instead he simply inclined his head. “I’ll leave you to get dressed.”

“What?” Diego said, caught off guard. “You don’t— I was fine with having you around, you don’t need to…”

In a flash of blue light, Five was gone. 

Diego stared at the spot where he’d been.

That was strange.

“And so we’re practicing dialectic balance,” Klaus said, coming in the door and closing it behind him. He unwrapped his fringed scarf from his neck and draped it over the back of a folding chair. “So it’s like— I’m accountable for my actions and I’ve done things that hurt people, _and_ I’m not an irredeemably terrible person. Because if I thought I were an irredeemably terrible person that would be the cognitive fallacy of black and white thinking, because nobody’s entirely good and nobody’s entirely bad. And you have to accept the dialectic balance in order to use, like, your _wise mind.”_ He tapped his temple. “Because you have your reasonable mind and your emotional mind and both of them are important but you have to have both of them in order to be, like, a functional person. There are lots of dialectical balances in life. Like I’m an addict _and_ it’s not all I am.” He twirled over to the kitchen, opening the cupboard and scanning it, pushing aside the boxes of cereal and the tub of protein powder, looking for something. “So we practiced forgiving ourselves and forgiving each other from a dialectical mindset? Because you can do something bad, _and_ it doesn’t have to define you, _and_ you still have to face consequences for it, _and_ it isn’t the end of the world. Probably. I sort of zoned out by the end, though, because we finished with this mindfulness exercise and I always fucking hate those. Never have I ever been in a place with some people and been like, hey, you know what would improve this? If we banged a little gong and it went bbbzzznnnnnnnnnnnhhh and then it was really quiet and then we had a weird little moment about it. Anyway, so that’s what we learned in group therapy today. Are we out of Milanos?”

“I don’t know,” Diego said. He always thought he was prepared for Klaus’s evening monologue, but somehow it still caught him off guard— especially so after his run-in with Five. “I’m not the one who eats them.”

“Maybe I should have gotten some on the way home from therapy,” Klaus said, peering into the cupboard.

“Next time,” Diego said.

“Whatever,” Klaus said. “I’m not even really hungry. Whose sunglasses are those?”

Diego froze. Five’s sunglasses sat on the table, half-unfolded, looking like a grenade with the pin pulled out.

“They’re pretty nice,” Klaus said, picking them up and examining them.

The memory flashed in Diego’s mind’s eye. Five taking them off, exposing those piercing eyes of his. Pushing his hair out of his face, acting so nonchalant, casually looking Diego over—

Until Diego had mentioned he was in a relationship.

“Where’d they come from?” Klaus said.

If Diego hadn’t known better, he’d have said that Five had been flirting with him.

“Di-e-go?” Klaus said. “Hello? Anyone in there?” He rapped his knuckles on Diego’s temple.

Diego cleared his throat. “They’re… mine.”

His heart was beating faster. If he were a better person, he would be letting Five’s gaffe go. He wouldn’t be so selfish as to be feeling a pulse of heat— at being seen, at being _wanted._

“Ooh,” Klaus said. “Sexy. Are they new?”

“I, uh,” Diego said. “Uncovered them. When I was looking for something.”

“Wait, that’s wild,” Klaus said. “I should go through your stuff sometime.”

“You really shouldn’t,” Diego said, “I—”

“How do I look?” Klaus said, sliding them onto his face.

Diego turned around.

It was wrong. Diego felt a visceral stab of anger, guilt fast on its heels— Klaus looked foreign in the glasses, weak and dangerous in equal measure, stomach-burningly incorrect in the act of taking Five’s place.

“Am I hot?” Klaus said, pushing them down his nose and peering at Diego with what he clearly thought were seductive eyes.

Diego took a deep breath. He walked over and snagged them off Klaus’s face, giving him a kiss on the lips. “Don’t wear these, yeah?” he murmured.

“Why?” Klaus said.

“Just because,” Diego said. He traced Klaus’s lips with his finger. “Everyone’s got their irrational things.”

“In therapy we learned that nothing’s completely irrational,” Klaus said, lips moving against the finger. “Every emotion exists for a reason. So it’s, like, valid, even if it’s not justified.”

“Yeah,” Diego said. He ran his thumb over the sunglasses in his other hand. “Something like that.”

It’s the boiler room, but it’s not the boiler room, but it is the boiler room. Five’s wearing summer clothes. Soft linen; preppy shit, dialed up to eleven. The kind of thing Diego’s seen in magazines, but never touched. Five smells like the sample strips of cologne they fold in next to the models, and the sunglasses sit on his face like a crown, and one moment he’s as still as a photograph, and the next he’s shifting like a mirage. Whatever his purpose is, he’s not saying.

This an invitation. 

Five leans against the wall, nonchalant and ideal and perfect, and Diego’s dream-logic impossibly connects and he sinks to his knees in front of him. 

“You want it,” Five says. It’s not a question. 

Euphoria spreads through Diego’s chest like anesthetic.

He shuffles forward on his knees and kisses the front of Five’s pants, wonderfully shameless. Five’s cock is hot and hard underneath the fabric, and Diego tugs down his zipper with his teeth, pushing down his underwear. Then he takes him into his mouth, and nothing exists but this— the heavy, salty, warm feeling of a dick on his tongue, the minute trembles of Five’s body, the hand in his hair that’s oh-so-familiar— he’s _full,_ and he moans, finally sated, feeling calm for the first time in… he can’t remember how long.

 _“Diego,”_ Five says. Diego has Five’s cock on his tongue and Five has Diego’s name on his. They’re symmetrical, chasing each other down this rabbit hole in equal measure. Diego groans. Five’s cock twitches; Diego can taste the precome.

“Diego,” Five says, and Diego looks up, debauched. “Look me in the eye.”

There aren’t eyes. Five’s face is impenetrable, all angles and reflective lenses. Then Five’s slim, pale hand comes up and Diego’s heart plunges, because if Five’s hiding something, it has to be bad, and then the glasses drop to the floor.

But there’s no fake-out; no blacked-out nightmare demon eyes. Instead, it’s that achingly familiar sarcastic gaze, doe eyes, soft eyelashes, and in the dream Diego moans around Five’s thick cock in his mouth and opens his throat to take him deeper, swallow him like he can consume him—

Diego jolted awake, breathing hard. 

He grasped for the remnants of the dream in his mind, horrified. He’d— he couldn’t think about it straight on. There was a strange feeling in his body, a rush of adrenaline like he was dropping through the mattress, and something else, pleasure building in his gut.

He was hard, he realized. He swallowed.

“Hey,” came Klaus’s sleepy voice. “Diego? Y’good?”

“Yeah,” Diego said, staring up at the ceiling. The darkness felt like it was pressing back against his eyes. “Go back to sleep, babe.”

“What’s going on?” Klaus said, putting his hand on him.

Diego twitched. The touch felt like a brand of guilt after the dream. If Klaus rolled over and brushed against Diego’s cock where it jutted out rock-hard under the sheets— “Nothing.”

“I know what nightmares are like,” Klaus said softly. “You want to talk about it?”

Diego’s stomach twisted, remembering the dozens of nights with the situation reversed. _You want to talk about it, baby?_ He’d hold Klaus in the darkness, pressing kisses to his shoulder as Klaus shuddered. _Let it out. C’mon._

“Nah,” he said. “I’m good.”

“You don’t have to be good,” Klaus said. His voice was even softer. “It’s… it’s okay, Diego, really. I won’t tell anyone if you’re scared.”

“I’m not scared,” Diego said reflexively.

“Sure,” Klaus said. “You want a hug?”

“I,” Diego said. He didn’t. “I think I’m gonna go outside.”

“What?” Klaus said. “But it’s so warm here, Diego, wouldn’t you rather stay?”

“I’m not feeling it,” Diego said. He climbed out of bed, carefully extracting himself from the tangled nest of covers.

“Should I wait up?”

Diego looked back at him. Klaus’s figure seemed somehow alien in the darkness, even though Diego knew he had intimate knowledge of every part of that body. His whole chest felt tight, dragging him down with guilt and exasperation and a heavy feeling he couldn’t name.

“Sleep, babe,” he said. “Get comfortable. I’ll be back before you know it.”

In the car driving down the quiet street, Diego rehearsed what he would say in his mind if he somehow, inexplicably ran into Five.

 _Couldn’t sleep,_ he’d say.

 _You’re not special,_ Five would reply. _None of us can sleep._

Diego shook his head. The city at three in the morning seemed like a different landscape entirely from the sunlight— like the surface of the moon, or the bottom of the ocean. Diego liked it this way. When he strapped on his knife harness and slipped out of the gym, creeping along to the streets to find the corners and alleys where shady shit always turned up— when someone turned to him, when he saw the whites of their eyes, when everything narrowed down to the next punch and the next move, the moment when he drew the knife— Klaus brought home mindfulness exercises from therapy, a little plant or an hourglass or a rock that said _breathe,_ but Diego never felt more aware of himself in a moment than when he went outside at night.

 _Out at night without your knives?_ Five would say if he saw him. He’d cast an eye at Diego’s torso in the way that made Diego feel hot. _What if you come across a ne’er-do-well, Rambo?_

 _I’m a ne’er-do-well,_ Diego would say.

Diego cast an eye at the dashboard clock. 2:33.

_Are you? _Five would say. _Well, I suppose one of us was bound to go rogue eventually.___

_That’s not what I mean,_ Diego would say. 

_Mm._

__Diego flexed his hand on the steering wheel, cracking his knuckles. The car was almost as good a place as the shower for arguments with himself. He didn’t feel like he was by himself: he could feel Five’s presence radiating from the inside of his mind, filling up the empty space in his thoughts, taking the place fluidly of the hypothetical companion. Diego wanted him like a physical ache. Every one of his stupid mannerisms was etched on the inside of Diego’s memory, furtively stored there, preemptively shameful, and maybe from the outside there was nothing indicting about the way he looked at Five— but inside his mind he knew how every observation spiraled into yearning, wanting to brush against him accidentally-on-purpose, provoke him until he made that exasperated noise, kiss him. Diego wanted to push Five up against a wall and make out with him, get that heat coursing through his veins. If he got one taste of him, he’d never be able to hold back. Diego looked down._ _

__He used to pride himself on staying on the right side of his morals, even if he didn’t stick to the law. Now, he watched his hands grip the steering wheel, thoughts churning._ _

__“I’m not a liar,” he said aloud._ _

__In the distance, a car horn sounded, loud and angry at a stranger._ _

__Diego’s throat felt thick. He could hardly swallow. “I’m not gonna cheat,” he said, but his voice was quieter. If Five were there, he’d be sitting beside him in the passenger seat, waiting with serene patience for Diego to realize he was wrong._ _

__

__Diego had his back to the door and was stir-frying vegetables at the stove when he heard Klaus drop his knitting needles._ _

__“What the fuck!” Klaus said. “You scared me, asshole, you can’t just show up unannounced.”_ _

__A jolt went down Diego’s spine, and he slowly turned around._ _

__“I’ll do what I want,” Five said. He had his hands in his pockets, the picture of nonchalance. He looked over at Klaus. “How’s the one-two punch of therapy and sobriety going?”_ _

__“Jesus, does every conversation have to be about that?” Klaus said._ _

__“Is it going badly?” Five said._ _

__“It’s going fine,” Klaus said. “So fine, in fact, that I have an actual life outside my therapy groups now, yay! But no one ever asks me about my knitting or painting class or anything.”_ _

__“How is your knitting or painting class or anything?” Five said._ _

___“Perfetto,”_ Klaus said. He bent over and picked up his knitting needles from the floor. “I’m making fingerless gloves.”_ _

__“Charming,” Five said. He looked over at Diego._ _

__Diego half-smiled._ _

__Five cleared his throat. “You both seem busy.”_ _

__“I’m making dinner,” Diego said. “You wanna stay?”_ _

__“Hmm,” Five said. “What are you making?”_ _

__“Chicken stir fry with vegetables,” Klaus said, settling himself down on the bed with his knitting. “What a surprise.”_ _

__“If you ever wanna cook, you can take a swing at it,” Diego said, turning back to the pan._ _

__“You look so cute when you cook, though,” Klaus said. “The apron.”_ _

__“If you cooked, you’d look cute for me,” Diego said, stabbing the veggies in the pan with a spatula. “That can be your incentive.” He looked over his shoulder just in time to see a strange expression flash over Five’s face. He turned back to the pan, grinning to himself._ _

__“I’m always cute,” Klaus said._ _

__“Oh, yeah,” Diego said. “The cutest. You know I’m weak for the pretty twink type.”_ _

__“Wait, really?” Klaus said. “I thought you were more into— I thought you mostly did big muscly guys, I thought I was the exception.”_ _

__“Nah, I do all kinds of guys,” Diego said. “I like them pretty and mouthy. Guys who’ll push back on me; who won’t take my shit, but are still into me.”_ _

__Five was silent. Diego pushed the spatula, veggies sizzling._ _

__“Good thing you have me,” Klaus said. “I bet that’s hard to find.”_ _

__“Nearly impossible,” Diego said._ _

__He turned around. Five was looking at him, unwaveringly intent, and Diego felt a shiver run down his spine. He raised an eyebrow at him, a challenge._ _

__“Such lovebirds,” Five said dryly._ _

__“Diego’s such a good boyfriend, it’s gross,” Klaus said. “He is disgustingly sweet. Like the adorable pet names he uses? Revolting, absolutely scandalizing—”_ _

__“This is still a compliment, right?” Diego said._ _

__“Oh, absolutely,” Klaus said. “Have you seen the man?” He reached over to the bed, picking up the sunglasses. “Look what he found in his dresser, Five.”_ _

__Diego’s stomach lurched._ _

__“Is that so,” Five said slowly._ _

__Diego swallowed. The sunglasses sat in Klaus’s pale hand like a loaded weapon._ _

__“They’re pretty fucking sexy,” Klaus said. “But he won’t let me wear them.”_ _

__Five’s face lit up for a single moment. Diego felt a kick in his chest— when was the last time Klaus had made him feel that way?_ _

__“What’s mine is mine,” Diego said, smiling crookedly._ _

__“Ugh,” Klaus said. “You’re such a killjoy, Diego.”_ _

__“Such scintillating conversation,” Five said, casting an eye around. His gaze swept over Klaus’s items scattered everywhere. “Well, I’ll leave you to your dinner.”_ _

__“Come hang out with us some other time,” Klaus said. “But you should announce yourself first.”_ _

__“Noted,” Five said._ _

__“He’s never gonna do that,” Diego said, turning back to the hot plate._ _

__“Correct,” Five said, looking around the room. His eyes lingered on Klaus’s schedule taped to the wall, taking it in like a briefing._ _

__“Why not just teleport to the door and knock?” Klaus said._ _

__“I don’t need to explain myself to you,” Five said._ _

__“God, you’re so fucking cryptic,” Klaus said._ _

__“Dinner is as good as time as any to stop in and visit us,” Diego said, flipping the vegetables in the pan. “I’m busy all day today teaching up at the gym. Only other time I’d be free is about six this evening, after my shower. Klaus would be out at his painting class, and I’d just be down here by myself naked and getting dressed. You wouldn’t want to be here for that.”_ _

__

__Diego had only barely arrived downstairs from his shower, towel wrapped around his waist, when Five appeared, standing in the middle of the room._ _

__“You are shameless,” Five said._ _

__“You came,” Diego said._ _

__Five looked around. “Is he really gone?”_ _

__“Yeah,” Diego said. His throat felt dry._ _

__Five looked at him._ _

__“We don’t have to talk about it,” Diego said. He swallowed. “I… fuck.”_ _

__“You’re in trouble if anyone finds out about this,” Five said._ _

__“Yeah, no shit,” Diego said._ _

__“If you’re going to lecture me—”_ _

__“I’m not going to lecture you,” Diego said, and he let the towel slide off his waist entirely._ _

__Five drew in a ragged breath, eyes going hooded and dark._ _

__“Sit,” Diego said. He took his dick in his hand, stroking it. He was already half-hard, and he felt a shiver deep in his gut. This was wrong of him to do. “You wanna show up, you better be a good guest and let me do what I want.”_ _

__“And you want to touch yourself?” Five said. There was a note of incredulity in his voice, but his eyes were magnetized._ _

__“I don’t want to think about it,” Diego said._ _

__The context didn’t matter. The consequences didn’t matter. If he stopped for a moment, his tunnel vision would snap away and he would be burningly aware of every piece of Klaus’s life that grew in his apartment like florid cancer, and if Five gave him a single look askance, this whole thing would crash. But Five’s expression was intent, and Diego met his eyes unwaveringly._ _

__“Tell me you don’t want this and I’ll stop,” Diego said softly._ _

__Five’s jaw worked._ _

__“Keep going,” he said hoarsely._ _

__Diego shuddered. He didn’t take his hand off his dick, working himself in slow, smooth strokes, and he made a soft little groan of relief. “Feels so fucking good,” he said._ _

__“You’re showing off,” Five said._ _

__“Klaus thinks I should do porn,” Diego said. “Become a camboy, sell videos of myself jerking it for the camera.”_ _

__“You’re certainly vain enough,” Five said. He was leaning forward now, transfixed. “But you shouldn’t.”_ _

__“Why not?” Diego said._ _

__“Because I’m possessive,” Five said. He looked Diego in the eye. “It’s bad enough that _he_ has you.”_ _

__Diego shuddered, cock twitching in his hand. He was probably fucked in the head for being turned on by that, but there was something about Five’s gaze that pinned him down, opened him up, exposed him beyond his veneer._ _

__“But he doesn’t own you,” Five said, voice low. “Does he?”_ _

__There was no alibi anymore._ _

__“You left your sunglasses here,” Diego said, tightening his grip. “Some kind of calling card, huh?”_ _

__“Klaus’s things are all over your room,” Five said huskily._ _

__“And you don’t like that,” Diego said, leaning back on one elbow so his whole muscled torso twisted, lithe and strong. His cock jutted out in front of him and he moaned a little as he pumped it, showing off._ _

__“I figured I might try marking my territory,” Five said, eyes fixed on Diego’s hand working over his dick. “Jesus, that’s— big.”_ _

__Diego smiled. “You picturing what it’d be like inside you?”_ _

__“You’d enjoy it,” Five said matter-of-factly._ _

__“Yeah, tell me a little more,” Diego said._ _

__“I like it fast and hard,” Five said. His voice was a little breathy. “People think I want to be treated delicately because I’m— slim, and on the shorter side—”_ _

__“A twink,” Diego said, grinning._ _

__Five rolled his eyes. “But when I’m inclined to look for sex, I want someone who can pin me down and really give it to me. Who can take me home, fuck me like I want…” He looked over at the corner with the mattress, and his smile curved wickedly. “In the same bed you fuck Klaus.”_ _

__Diego groaned, hips thrusting into his hand._ _

__“You like that,” Five said, leaning forward. “How desperate are you? You’re the perfect boyfriend— but Klaus doesn’t know who you really think about, how your mind wanders, how you look at other people on the street… Is it just me, Diego? Or do you take a second look at every pretty girl who passes?”_ _

__“I’m—” Diego’s hips bucked. “I had— fuck, I had a— dream about you, after you left your sunglasses here— it’s all you, it’s all you.”_ _

__Five smiled. Diego shivered._ _

__“Take your hand off your dick,” Five said._ _

__“What?” Diego said, hand stilling._ _

__“I’ll suck you off,” Five said. “I’ll make it neat. No evidence. I’ll swallow.” He slid down effortlessly to his knees, nudging Diego’s legs apart. Diego’s breath caught. Like the dream, he thought, but the thought got swallowed as Five took Diego’s dick into his hand._ _

__“Nnh,” Diego said. His cock twitched. “Are you—”_ _

__“I said I would, didn’t I?” Five said. He stroked Diego’s dick, uncharacteristically gentle. “And it won’t take you long to get off. You’re so hard; you’re leaking.” He swiped a finger through the precome gathering on the head, looking up at him with an all-too-knowing look, and then he leaned in and took Diego’s cock into his mouth._ _

__Diego cried out. His hand reached out and twisted into Five’s hair, holding onto him like an anchor. Five’s eyes were as piercing as ever, even looking up at him like this. His cheeks went hollow as he sucked, ardent and intent, and Diego could feel his orgasm hurtling towards him._ _

__“Fuck,” he choked out. “Five— I’m gonna—”_ _

__On his knees, Five raised a single eyebrow._ _

__Diego’s hips bucked. There was no hope for him. His bare toes curled, his whole body rippling with a wave of euphoria, his orgasm wrenched out of him by shame and guilt and Five’s hot, wet mouth, the sunglasses on the kitchen table, those dark eyes looking up at him— he moaned aloud, cock twitching as he released down Five’s throat._ _

__Five pulled back, wiping his mouth._ _

__Diego stared down at him. Five him pinned. “You take it good,” he said roughly._ _

__Five stood up. “Klaus will be back,” he said._ _

__“What?” Diego said, still dazed._ _

__“Klaus’s schedule,” Five said, tipping his head towards the paper taped to the wall. “He’ll be home soon and you know it.”_ _

__Diego looked up at the clock. His stomach lurched as he saw the time— Jesus, Five’s mouth had him bewitched if that much time had elapsed— and he looked back at Five. “Yeah,” he said, “but I don’t wanna leave you…”_ _

__“Hard?” Five said, interrupting him. “Believe me, Diego, I can handle it. And I’m sure you can make it up to me another time.”_ _

__Diego swallowed._ _

__“I’d deflect,” Five said quietly. “Say _unless,_ say it’s only one time. But I don’t believe in lying.”_ _

__Diego dragged him in and kissed him. Five made a pleased sound, entirely uncharacteristic of his arch persona, and Diego grinned against his lips. He ground against Five’s cock and Five gasped._ _

__“You sure you don’t want some of this?” Diego said, voice low and teasing._ _

__“I’m sure I don’t want to get caught,” Five said breathily. He stepped away, tugging his clothes into order. “But I’ll— take you up on that. Yeah.”_ _

__His eyes were huge._ _

__“You know where to find me,” Diego said, releasing Five’s wrist._ _

__

__Diego cleaned the whole room, did 150 pushups, went upstairs and did cardio and showered twice, but he couldn’t shake the fizz of anxiety and exhilaration that immersed him. He could still feel Five’s lips on his dick. It was hitting him like a drug. He’d managed to sidestep Klaus when he’d come home from painting class, but… there was no hiding forever._ _

__“Hey, Knife Daddy,” Klaus said, sliding into bed and snuggling up to Diego. “How was your day?”_ _

___Don’t touch me,_ Diego wanted to say._ _

__“Hee-eey?” Klaus said. He reached out with a long finger and prodded Diego. “What’s going on in that head of yours, handsome?”_ _

__Diego’s body felt closed. He didn’t want Klaus’s hands on him; he could feel Five’s touch. It was normal. It was fine. It was only weird if he made it weird, so he had to not do that._ _

__“Nothing,” he said._ _

__Klaus raised his eyebrows. “That’s a pretty potent ‘nothing,’ Diego.”_ _

__“Yeah, whatever,” Diego said. He reached out and touched the tip of his index finger to Klaus’s. “Seriously. If I say I’m fine, I’m fine.”_ _

__“What is this, E.T.?” Klaus said, grinning down at their fingers. He pushed back against Diego’s. “Okay. But… if it’s something big, I know you’ll tell me.”_ _

__Diego’s stomach was in his throat. “Yeah.”_ _

__“But seriously, it’s okay,” Klaus said. He reached out and ruffled Diego’s short hair. “I get it, Grumpy. We all have bad days. My therapist says it’s fine.”_ _

__“Glad to know your therapist’s signed off on my mood,” Diego said._ _

__“I think what you need,” Klaus said, walking his fingers up Diego’s bicep, “is a distraction.”_ _

__Diego looked down at Klaus’s hand. “That mean your dick?”_ _

__“Actually I was thinking my sweet, tight, slutty little ass,” Klaus said, slipping his fingers under the strap of Diego’s undershirt._ _

__Back in his boxing days, Diego had a trainer who would yell at him. Diego would show up in the gym antsy and anxious, lashing out at anything that moved with stinging words and weak little jabs, and the trainer would snap his fingers right in Diego’s face. _Get out of your head,_ he’d say. _Make it physical, Hargreeves. Sweat it out._ _ _

___Doesn’t matter if you don’t like it._ _ _

__Diego leaned away from Klaus and stripped off his undershirt, pulling it over his head and tossing it to the side. Klaus smiled, delighted and hungry, and he let out a joyful sound as Diego climbed over him, carefully pushing him down on his back._ _

__“You want it, baby?” Diego said. He ground against Klaus’s bony hip._ _

__“Yes,” Klaus said. “ _Please,_ Diego.”_ _

__“I’ll give it to you,” Diego said, and he reached down and hitched up Klaus’s leg, wrapping it around himself as tight as a cage._ _


	2. Chapter 2

_So, Diego. What is it like to cheat on your boyfriend?_

Call it a mental tic, but sometimes in the shower, Diego’s mind drifted to conversations with imaginary people. Explaining himself to talk show hosts; going on podcasts. Testifying in court. He’d done enough interviews as a kid to know how they went. It was a chance to unspool his thoughts and lay them all out, and feel seen, or whatever.

The poor man’s therapy, he could say.

Diego turned the water scalding hot, letting out an audible groan as the water beat down on his sore muscles.

_It’s like having an oxygen tank on your back. It’s borrowed time. Every sharp hit of fresh air you get is costing you something._

He flexed his fingers, curling them into a fist.

_It’s a second consciousness; it’s a doubling. Your body’s with your partner, but your mind is with the other guy. You see everything in an extra dimension and you feel everything twicefold. You wonder how you were ever happy before, but you also don’t know if you’ll ever be happy again._

Diego scrubbed his hands through his hair.

_It’s like being in love. You feel it stabbing in your sternum, you feel it in your junk— it’s addictive, you keep coming back for hit after hit, and you find new ways to justify yourself every day while your conscience works overtime._

_It’s hot._

“Your ass is fucking divine,” Diego said, grabbing a handful of it and squeezing.

He was in the arduous and energetic process of pounding Five into the mattress. It wasn’t the first time and it wouldn’t be the last. Five was braced on his hands and knees— his preferred position, which Diego hadn’t expected, but he wasn’t complaining about. Maybe Five didn’t want to see him face-to-face. 

That was fine.

The box spring creaked with every thrust. Five let out a whine. Diego slapped the cheek of his ass again. “I’m right,” he said. “You’re, nnh, so fucking tight—”

“What are you trying to do, spank me?” Five said breathily.

“Do you want me to spank you?” Diego said.

Five moaned. “No,” he said. “I want you to— fuck me, want you to, ah—”

Diego grinned. Five was too fucking pretty like this. “Want me to what, angel babe?”

“Harder,” Five said. His voice hitched. “Diego, _Diego_.”

Diego adjusted his angle, beginning to thrust faster, deeper. Five’s ass was tight and hot and undeniable. “Christ, you’re good. Aah— so fucking slutty, aren’t you?”

“Yeah,” Five gasped out. “For— only for you, Diego, I swear—”

“I know,” Diego said. He bent down, kissing Five’s shoulder blade, before bringing himself back up. “You’re perfect, Five, you’re perfect. Saving yourself for me like this. There we go, huh?” His hips stuttered, rhythm going erratic. “Sweetheart, I’m close. You— fuck, you’re gonna make me—”

“Pull out, pull out,” Five said. “Do it on me.”

Diego pulled out, jacking himself off hard and fast. Five was kneeling: he had his forearms braced on the mattress, presenting his ass to Diego, as slutty as he usually was buttoned up. Diego could hardly reconcile this person with the trim figure who had first appeared in the boiler room.

Maybe he should have been closing his eyes. Keeping them half-open. If all he could catch was a blurry slice of pale flesh, maybe he could have pretended it was Klaus he was nailing, but he couldn’t— there wasn’t— the rapid thrusts, the building sensation, the process of hurtling towards orgasm winnowed away any thought, blinding him with the lights of this oncoming train. Diego’s hand tightened. Faster. Five’s ass, his back, his whole body, the head-splitting juxtaposition of sharing his bed with his brother instead of his boyfriend— his other brother— Five was _shaking_ —

Diego let out a long moan, twisting his wrist as he came in spurts over Five’s back.

There was a silence, except for their heavy breathing. Five arched his back, and Diego bit his lip appreciatively, and then Five crawled around, looking up at Diego with big eyes.

“Look at you,” Diego purred.

Five shuddered out a breath, collapsing into Diego’s arms.

“Just look at you,” Diego repeated. His voice was low, and he reached down to wrap his hand around Five’s cock— not stroking, just holding. “Fuck. Never seen anyone prettier.”

“Diego,” Five gasped. “I’m— close—”

“Oh, I bet you are,” Diego said. “Oh, _baby._ ” He squeezed Five’s cock, and Five spasmed with need. “You want it?”

“Wait,” Five gasped.

Diego paused. “What?”

“Don’t make me come,” Five said.

Diego blinked.

Five sat back. His whole body was trembling minutely, and he stretched, cracking his neck.

“Are you serious?” Diego said.

“Completely,” Five said. He ran his hand down Diego’s chest. “I like a little… edging.”

“Edging?” Diego repeated in disbelief.

“Are you still come-dumb or something?” Five said, smirking.

“No, I’m not dumb, you’re just weird,” Diego said. He pointed at Five’s erection. “I can make you feel good in two seconds. Let yourself have it.”

Five looked down. He seemed tempted— sorely— but then he looked back up. “I’m good. You can distract yourself by thinking over how needy I’ll be tonight.”

Diego hesitated. “Is this really what you want?”

Five leaned in and kissed him, slow and sweet. “Yes,” he said. “This is exactly what I want.”

“I wish this place had a bathtub,” Klaus mumbled, crawling in bed next to Diego.

“Why?” Diego said, staring up at the ceiling in the dark.

“Because there’s literally nothing better than submerging yourself in a hot bath and pretending you don’t exist,” Klaus said.

“You wanna pretend you don’t exist right now?” Diego said.

“Not right _now,_ ” Klaus said. “But I’ve been having the yen.”

Diego bit his tongue.

“I’m surprised that you don’t extoll the virtues of a good bath, really,” Klaus said. He reached a hand up without looking, linking his fingers with Diego’s. “Since you can hold your breath and all. You could stay under for as long as you wanted.”

“Huh,” Diego said. “Guess I never really spent time somewhere where I could.”

“Diego,” Klaus said. “We both grew up in the same house.”

“Yeah, but when I was a kid I didn’t get a lot farther than jerking off in the shower,” Diego said. “Didn’t really feel the need to sink into the water and pretend I didn’t exist.”

“Lucky you.”

There were many stories Diego could tell him right now. The tank. The hours of throwing knives, the shame pounded into him, the seize of the stutter in his mouth, the particular headache that came from holding back tears, the way Reginald looked at him when he called him Number Two. Convulsing with an anxiety attack in the kitchen at one in the morning while Grace looked on serenely, eyes soft and fixed.

“Yeah,” Diego said. “Lucky me.”

“What will you do if he finds out?” Five said, resting his head on Diego’s naked chest.

Diego brought his hand up, carding it through Five’s hair. “Anyone ever tell you how pretty you are?”

“You’re evading,” Five said, but he tucked his face against Diego’s pectoral, hiding a smile. “I didn’t use to be pretty.”

“That’s true,” Diego said. He made a face. “You used to be 13.”

“Didn’t we all,” Five said.

Diego poked him. “You especially.”

“I assure you you don’t have to remind me,” Five said.

“It was kinda cute,” Diego said. “Not in a sexy way, but it was cute.”

“I will bite you,” Five said idly.

Diego pressed a kiss to the top of Five’s head. He was obsessed with how soft Five’s hair was. “You’re still cute.”

“In a sexy way,” Five said, nestling in.

“The sexiest,” Diego said.

This was the part he liked the best, so it was only fair that it was the part that hurt the most. Five’s weight felt intrinsically _right_ next to him like nothing else— even if Five’s erection still obstinately persisted; that thing about not wanting to come was weird. But every second with Five’s body tucked up against him made Diego want to skim his hands over Five’s skin, which was unfairly soft and smooth, and roll him over and kiss him again. He wanted to stay in a holding pattern with Five in an endless loop of sex and love, rinse and repeat.

“Diego,” Five said quietly. “I’m serious. What are you going to do if Klaus finds out about us?”

“He won’t find out,” Diego said. Every time he had Five over, he always wiped down the whole room after. He knew it was paranoid, but he couldn’t help himself from 409’ing everything; leaving the smell of bleach and artificial lemons hanging in the air.

“Is it perverse if I kinda love the smell of bleach?” Klaus said, coming in and closing the door behind him.  
“You’re perverse in a lot of ways,” Diego replied, scrubbing the countertop with a rag.

_It makes you look over your shoulder when you’re walking anywhere. It’s every secret you’ve ever kept, except it’s forever. You can feel it under your skin, even when you’re naked. Especially when you’re naked. But it’s everywhere, all the time, in all directions. You’re nothing but your cheating parts._

“Thanks for meeting me here,” Allison said, sitting down at the table at the restaurant. She took off her sunglasses, unfolding them and slipping them into a big case, and slipping the big case into an even bigger shoulder bag, which she laid at her feet. Diego marveled at the sheer volume. He couldn’t picture going anywhere weighed down with more than his knife harness and wallet and keys.

“Our pleasure,” Five said.

It was some unfortunate trick of fate or Five’s clever mind that settled him directly across the table from Diego. Like an adversary, or a mirror. A prison visit. Five’s hair was a little tousled, hanging over his forehead, and Diego was seized by the desire to tuck it back.

He looked away, focusing on the restaurant around them instead. The ambience, luxurious and beige, was about as calming as a hotel lobby.

“Yeah, I’m all about bougie shit like this,” Klaus said, lounged in his chair next to Diego. His toes in his sandals nudged Diego’s calf. “I mean, if I were as rich as you—”

Allison let out a tiny sigh.

“— then I’d totally provide for my beloved siblings,” Klaus said. “I’d buy us all ponies. Cha-ching!”

“Klaus,” Diego said. “Allison’s not gonna buy us ponies.”

“Thank you, Diego,” Allison said.

Diego waited a moment. “She’s too guilty to touch her rumor money.”

Allison went quiet.

“Unless she caves and really misses the high life,” Diego said, unfolding his pristine roll of silverware and laying his heavy napkin in his lap. “Then she convinces herself it’s worth it to buy that Gucci bag.”

Allison said nothing.

It was more than possible that he could blow this shit up in a few calculated moves. The whole family was like a damn Rube Goldberg machine, levers and mallets and pulleys and spinning contraptions positioned perfectly to set it all off.

Five was watching Diego, long and unblinking.

Diego cleared his throat, turning to Allison. “Is Luther coming?”

“He’s… on his way,” Allison said, faltering a little. “He might… not—”

“Oh, bullshit,” Klaus said. “Look, everyone knows you two have some drama, Allison. Might as well put it out in the open and turn this into my fourth group therapy session of the week.”

“He doesn’t want to see Claire,” Allison said.

The silence was long. Klaus fidgeted with his cloth napkin. Diego looked away. When he looked back, Five was still looking at Allison, grave.

Allison ran her hand through her hair. “Please don’t make me talk about it.”

“It’s whatever,” Klaus said. “We don’t have to.”

“Klaus, man,” Diego said. “It’s clearly not _whatever._ ” He cracked his knuckles. “Why won’t he?”

“He says he doesn’t trust himself,” Allison said.

“Bullshit, he’s scared and fronting,” Diego said.

“Or he knows that he has the strength of three men compressed into one, a body that scares even most adults, and he’s spent the past four years on the moon unaccustomed both to the social customs and gravitational force of this particular planet,” Five said.

Allison looked up at him.

“That’s not an either-or,” Diego said. “That all makes it an even bigger chance he’s scared and fronting.”

“Diego, I never said it was an either-or,” Five said.

Diego held up his hands. “You literally—”

“I think he’s scared of Patrick,” Allison said, looking back down. She tucked a stray curl behind her ear.

“Your ex who hates you for a legitimate reason?” Diego said.

“Jesus, would it kill you to take it down a few notches?” Allison said.

“Sorry,” Diego said, not sounding apologetic.

“It’s not like you’ve got your life together either,” Allison said. “I think we should all cut each other a little slack.”

Diego dropped his hand to Klaus’s lower back. “I have a steady boyfriend.”

Five was very still.

“Good for you,” Allison said. “And I have a steady job.”

“I have a steady job,” Diego said.

Allison smiled at him. It wasn’t her nice one. “I have savings.”

“I have regular, good-quality sex with someone who doesn’t have a gorilla body,” Diego said.

Five barked a laugh.

Allison’s mouth twisted. “I—”

“You can’t touch me, you can’t rumor me,” Diego said, leaning back on the back two legs of his chair. He felt irritated and untouchable, far away from the world in his bubble of discomfort. “Or else you’re as bad as you used to be, huh?”

“You’re an imbecile, Diego,” Five said.

Diego felt a pang. He thumped the front two legs of his chair back down. “Sorry.”

“Oh really,” Allison said. She tipped her head at Five. “So he’s the only one who can talk you down?”

“I can talk Diego down,” Klaus said.

Everyone ignored him. Five was wearing a secret, tiny smile, and Diego was flooded with literally no other emotion than the urge to kiss him.

There was a sound behind Diego. Allison straightened. Diego turned around, and he found himself looking up at a small, thin, uncertain waitress.

“Hi,” Allison said. Her voice was completely different.

The waitress’s eyes were big. “Are you ready to—”

“We’ll have the fixed price menu,” Allison said, turning her face up to her. She smiled, warm and kind. “And the bottomless mimosas?”

“Absolutely,” the waitress said, her lips starting to curve upward in imitation. “And— do I know you?”

“Oh,” Allison said, brow furrowing. “I… do you?”

The waitress faltered. Diego turned away, because Allison could play this girl like a fiddle. “Um, maybe not?” she said. “I— sorry, probably a mistake.”

Allison waved a hand, genial and relaxed. “Don’t worry about it. I get that all the time.”

“I’ll have your mimosas right out,” the waitress said, and she scurried away.

“You’re so fake,” Klaus said.

“Why do I even try?” Allison said.

“Because you love us,” Five said, looking up at her.

He was far from thirteen. Nobody exactly knew how old Five’s new body was— he looked young, but he was unmoored from the anchor of linear time, ageless and indelible like a demon. There was something both cynical and guileless about the way he looked at Allison: he knew what he was saying was a little mean, but it was true, too.

Allison sighed, sagging back in her chair. Her concealer was visible where it was dabbed under her eyes. It was kind of funny how love was supposed to bring the family closer together.

Diego didn’t usually drink, but as brunch progressed, those bottomless mimosas tipped the dial from tempting to necessary.

“Whoa, easy, easy,” Klaus said. He laughed. “Diego, you’re really going for it at ten in the morning, huh?”

“You always tell me to cut loose,” Diego said. His face was so warm.

“Oh, it’s cute,” Klaus said.

“Fuck off,” Diego said.

Allison sighed. “How many times over the course of this meal are you going to be randomly rude to everyone?”

“How many courses are there?” Diego said.

“Including dessert?” Allison said. “Five.”

Five looked up and smirked.

Diego looked away, feeling his pulse spike. “And which one are we on?”

“We only have one more,” Allison said.

“Then I won’t be randomly rude to everyone too much more,” Diego said.

“Does that mean the next one’s dessert?” Klaus said, brightening.

Allison smiled at him, charmed against her will. “Yes, it is.”

“Four out of five down,” Klaus said, pushing down on the tines of his fork so the handle sprang up.

Diego’s eyes found Five.

_I’m dessert,_ Five mouthed, and Diego tipped his head back, looking up at the ceiling, trying to make the room stop spinning.

When the waitress handed them the check, Diego made only the most basic of protesting noises before handing it over and letting her pay it while he excused himself to the men’s room. 

He shut the door, giving himself a moment to breathe— and then Five materialized next to him.

Diego turned to look at him.

“You here for—?” Five said.

“You’re pretty proud of that dessert line, aren’t you?” Diego said.

Five shrugged, a flash of a tiny smile on his face. “There are enough downsides to having a number for a name. I’m inclined to take opportunities for amusement when I see them.”

“Well,” Diego said, leaning back against the wall, “take your opportunity for amusement, then.”

“Clever,” Five said, eyes flickering down to the front of Diego’s pants.

Diego hooked a thumb in his belt loop. “You’ve got some nerve propositioning me in here.”

“Klaus isn’t going to know a thing,” Five said.

“If you come back with your lips all pretty and swollen from sucking my dick?”

“I’ll say I was sick,” Five said.

“Sweetheart,” Diego said. “Everyone at that table knows what someone looks like after they’ve been giving head.”

“Except I notice you aren’t telling me to go back to the table,” Five said, looking up at Diego with dark eyes.

There was something hot about being called on his bullshit. Diego shifted. His whole body felt electric. “No,” he said. “I’m not telling you to go back to the table.”

“Good boy,” Five said. He was at Diego in an instant, pressing up against him, crowding him against the wall. “You don’t usually drink,” he murmured.

“I don’t usually cheat,” Diego said.

“Diego,” Five said. “Are you going to performatively self-flagellate every time you remember what you’re doing, or are you going to let me get you off before Allison gets the check back?”

Diego whimpered.

“I’ve been thinking about this,” Five said. His hand came down, groping against Diego’s dick through his pants. “Every time I see you out and about, I think about dragging you away. I want to own you. I want my mark on you.”

“But—” Diego’s hips arched, bucking involuntarily into Five’s touch.

“But what?” Five said. “But Klaus would notice? Diego, have you really never sucked it up and given him an excuse? Told him you had a headache, that you were tired?”

“I— what?” Diego said.

“What if Klaus asks you for a quickie after this?” Five said. He took Diego’s cock out of his pants, working it expertly in his fingers, and Diego whined. “What if he pulls you away for a— Klaus being Klaus, he’ll probably sidle up to you when you’re doing something much more important and propose an _afternoon delight.”_

“Don’t— talk about Klaus when you’ve got my dick in your hand,” Diego said, voice strained. “Ah, Five—”

Five brought up his hand and spat on it. Then he reached down, pumping Diego’s cock, tight and slick. “He touches you the same way that I do,” he said. “We’ve both sucked your dick, both gotten fucked on it. Is it the same, Diego?”

“No,” Diego managed. “Nn, fuck.”

“Is it different when I jerk you off than when Klaus does?” Five said innocently. His hand was vise-tight on Diego’s dick. “Or when I let you spread my legs and rail me?”

“’S different,” Diego said. “It’s—”

Five’s mouth curved. “Tell me how it’s different, Diego.”

“It’s better,” Diego said. His mind was fracturing, so close to orgasm that his brain was diffusing, his whole body alight with sensation. “It’s better, so much, so good, you’re— so much better at it than he is, tighter and smarter and— and—”

“Good boy,” Five murmured, twisting his wrist.

Diego’s back arched. He barely had time to bring his hand to his mouth, biting down on his knuckles to stifle a whine before he was coming, body seizing with the wave, intense and overwhelming and almost painful— everything around him was beige, he was in a men’s bathroom, he had— Five’s hand was on his dick, his come spilled down Five’s knuckles— he heard himself groan, muffled around his hand, and then he sagged back against the wall, boneless.

Five brought his hand up to his mouth, licking Diego’s come off himself like a cat.

“Jesus,” Diego said thickly. “You’re such a porn star.”

“More a necessity,” Five said. He looked down at his hand.

“There were paper towels literally over there,” Diego said, nodding over at the sink.

Five smirked.

“Okay, come here,” Diego said, chest filling with affection. “Little shit. Sex kitten.” His body felt loose after his orgasm. “Let me get you off.”

“Oh,” Five said. His eyes widened. “I— that won’t be necessary.”

“You’re hard,” Diego said. He gestured. “I can see it.”

“An unparalleled detective,” Five said coolly, standing up. He winced as his knees clicked.

“I’ll get you off,” Diego said. He cleared his throat. “Suck your dick, let you come down my throat, huh?”

“I don’t think so.”

“The hell?” Diego said. He rested his palm over the bulge in Five’s pants, and he squeezed. “I know you need— _ouch!_ ”

Five had suddenly and unrelentingly bent Diego’s wrist back on itself. 

Diego stumbled back. “What the fuck are you on, man?”

“I don’t need to get off,” Five said.

“Clearly you fucking do,” Diego said.

“This argument is going in circles,” Five said. “Do you really think you’re the authority on that?”

“Every time we have sex, you don’t let me make you come,” Diego said. His head felt thick. “I don’t— I would, I’m not—” He hit his hand, punctuating his point. “I am not a selfish lover.”

Five laughed. It rang out sharply in the acoustics of the bathroom. “You think that’s what this is about, Diego? Whether you’re a _selfish lover?”_

“Tell me what else it’s about,” Diego said.

Five looked down at him. His face was unreadable. Diego’s stomach lurched, assaulted by the memory of the dream— that had been so insular, so perfect, sex without boundaries or limits or hard floors or Klaus or the pervasive smell of air freshener in a fancy bathroom.

“Go home, Diego,” Five said.

“I swear I’m not drunk,” Diego said, standing up. “There’s a difference between— drunk and tipsy.”

“I don’t care about that,” Five said. “All you’ve done tonight is berate Allison and ignore your boyfriend because you’re guilty about cheating on him.”

Diego sagged back. Nothing felt real anymore. “I—”

“I’ll spare you the humiliation of having to apologize to me,” Five said. “I already know you know you’re in the wrong.”

He turned on his heel and disappeared. 

The room was empty. Diego was left with a throbbing headache, staring at a blank tile wall.

_And every conversation you have in your head doesn’t matter. And every hypothetical dialogue you spin out stays yours. You can’t tell anyone shit, and they wouldn’t get it even if you could unlock your mouth. Your mind is overheating from the introspection and your lips have kissed two different people today. You got on your knees for him and he didn’t let you come in his mouth, but you remember how his skin tasted on your tongue. Everything you do is coming home to bite you in the ass, you’re throwing boomerang after boomerang, what goes around comes around— how many ways are there to say you’re guilty?_

_Basically, you’re the worst._

Diego’s back went tense when he heard the sound of the warp behind him.

He shouldn’t have let his guard down. He was an idiot to think he was safe. Any moment to himself— any moment where Klaus was guaranteed gone— he had to watch his back. And he knew this, but somehow… 

“I thought you wouldn’t want to see me after yesterday,” Diego said, turning around.

Five shrugged. He was leaning against the wall, hands in his pockets. “If I accused you of being an asshole, it would be slightly hypocritical.”

Diego smiled a little. “Neither of us is exactly a saint, huh?”

“Not at all,” Five said.

A silence hung in the air.

“Oh, come here and kiss me already,” Diego said. “C’mon. It’s not awkward unless we make it awkward.”

“Oh good,” Five said, and he warped into Diego’s lap, winding his hands into his hair and kissing him.

Diego made a soft noise into the kiss. He nosed at Five’s face, and then he dragged him to the bed, rolling them over on the mattress and pinning Five down and kissing him hard. “Christ,” he murmured. “Missed this.”

“Yeah,” Five breathed. “Me too.” He reached up and touched Diego’s lips. “Sorry for being an asshole.”

“It’s whatever,” Diego said. “It happens.”

“You were clearly a mess,” Five said.

Diego made a face. “Way to make a guy feel good about himself.”

“We don’t have to go over it,” Five said. “It happened.”

“Yeah,” Diego said. He pressed his forehead to Five’s. “Think you could make it up to me now?”

Five’s lips brushed his jaw. “Make what up to you?”

“Not finishing,” Diego said.

Five paused. “It matters to you that much?”

“I wanna get you off,” Diego said.

“You’re very sweet,” Five said. He spread his legs, pressing his body up closer to Diego’s. “We’ll see.”

“ _There_ we go,” Diego panted.

Everything was as it should be. Five was laid out on the mattress, prettier than anything, and Diego was buried inside him to the hilt, hand braced on the mattress to steady himself as he fucked into him. He could feel Five’s walls around him, clenching tight— fuck, so tight— his body was shaking, single-minded, mounting towards orgasm.

Five moaned. Diego pulled out, grabbing his own cock, jacking himself hard and fast.

“Do it,” Five murmured. He tilted his head up, exposing his throat. “I know you like it.”

“Who wouldn’t?” Diego said, voice strained. He groaned. “God, sweetheart, aah—”

It hit him like it always did. He felt his whole body tense up, like it was separate from his mind, and then he let out a cry, coming over Five’s lean chest in streaks.

“Nnh,” Five said, tipping his head back. His voice was thick. “That’s it. Christ.”

Diego looked down at him, breathing hard. 

Five looked _debauched._ He was lying back on the mattress, sensuous and arrogant, hair tousled over his forehead, and he had one hand resting lightly on his chest, smearing through the streaks of come across his collarbones and sternum. His legs were still spread, loose and fucked-out.

And his cock was flushed, hard and desperate. Diego reached down—

“No,” Five said, hitting his wrist.

“Jesus,” Diego said. “Five, you promised.”

“I didn’t promise anything,” Five said. He writhed. “Just drop it.”

“Or you could just let me give you an orgasm,” Diego said. “This isn’t complicated.”

“I _can’t,_ ” Five said. “I— don’t fucking make me, Diego, I’m telling you not to.”

“Why?” Diego said.

Five looked hunted. “Don’t ask questions.”

Diego pulled away. “I’m not keeping this going if you’re using me to punish yourself,” he said. “I want you to feel good when I fuck you, not…” He waved a hand at Five, tense and trembling.

“What if I like this?” Five said.

“Then we want different things,” Diego said.

“I can handle being hurt,” Five said. There was a vicious gleam in his eye, and his smile had a barracuda edge that made Diego sick. “There isn’t a fucking thing you could do to me that I couldn’t take, Diego.”

Diego gritted his teeth. “I don’t—”

“You could cut me,” Five said. “You could hit me.”

“I don’t want to do that, Jesus,” Diego said. “I’m not a sadist. Just tell me why you won’t let me get you off.”

“It’s none of your fucking business,” Five said, baring his teeth.

“It is and you know it,” Diego said. His voice was loud, and he hated himself for it. He took a breath. “Look, tell me or don’t tell me, whatever you want. But I won’t keep fucking you if you don’t tell me what’s going on.”

“That isn’t _fair,_ ” Five said. His eyes were glinting now, from desperation or anxiety or tears.

“Sweetheart,” Diego said. Five made a choked noise. “Baby, I’m not— you can’t expect me to keep fucking you if I can’t trust…”

“Trust what?” Five said.

Diego swallowed. “That you like it.”

Five gave an incredulous laugh. “Like it? Jesus, Diego, do you really think I’d be having an affair with you if I didn’t enjoy it? It’s not exactly like I’m being a martyr.”

“But you’re using me to hurt yourself,” Diego said. “I’m not gonna be complicit in that.”

Five looked down. “Maybe I’m not the only one who’s doing that.”

“You’re putting this on me, but it’s not on me,” Diego said. He pointed at Five. “This is you. I know what I’m doing, I know the risks— maybe better than you do— but you’re stringing me along, you’re withholding from me.”

“Maybe I want to withhold it from you,” Five said.

_“Tell me,”_ Diego said.

There was a silence.

“I don’t want it to be over,” Five bit out. He looked up at Diego. “Is that what you want to hear? I want to keep fucking you, Diego, I want to prolong my damn affair with my brother who lives full-time with his boyfriend. I’m not in the right here. I haven’t been on the right side of history for _decades._ So if every time you fuck me, every time you suck me off, I don’t want to come, that’s my goddamn problem.”

“Is that what it is?” Diego said.

“I don’t say anything I don’t mean,” Five said.

“That’s not true,” Diego said quietly.

Five bit his lip hard. “It is with you.”

“You really think I’m going to drop you the second I make you come?” Diego said.

“Well,” Five said. His voice was wry, but gutted. “You’ll have to do it eventually, won’t you?”

“Oh, sweetheart,” Diego said, and he tugged Five in as Five crumpled.

Five buried his face in Diego’s shoulder. Diego rubbed his back, breathing in and out, slow and calming. It was like Klaus, except it was nothing like Klaus. Five seemed clenched tighter, and his weight against Diego felt pressing; urgent. Like an inferno. A time bomb. Something he actually wanted.

“After a while, if you edge too much, it stops being fun,” Five mumbled. “Your orgasm gets less good. It’s not better.”

“How about we cool it on the edging,” Diego said.

“I once kept myself from coming for a year.”

Diego paused. “Did you enjoy that?”

“Better than thinking about how I was trapped in the Apocalypse,” Five said.

“Yeah, sweetheart, you gotta raise your bar one of these days,” Diego said.

“’S hard,” Five said.

“Yeah?” Diego said softly.

“I don’t have someone to go back to,” Five said. He looked up at Diego, bleak. “I don’t have a best-case scenario where I go back to my boyfriend who adores me. I have my goddamn room at the Academy. And you— everybody loves you, Diego. It’s not just Klaus.”

“Not Allison,” Diego said quietly.

“Any of our siblings would take a bullet for you,” Five said.

Diego looked away.

“Any of your Police Academy buddies would go for a beer with you,” Five said. “You have a life. You have connections. Compared to you, I’m…” He gave a bitter laugh. “Tempting my better brother into an affair.”

“If I were really your better brother, I wouldn’t have taken you up on it,” Diego said.

“Diego,” Five said despairingly. “You’re a good person. Don’t take that away from yourself.”

Diego said nothing.

Five ground the heel of his hand against his eye. “It fucking hurts. All of it.”

Diego’s heart was in his throat, and he inhaled slowly.

Five looked up at him, unsure.

“If it’s causing you this much pain,” Diego said carefully, “then maybe we should stop.”

Five jerked back. He looked haggard. “You just said—”

“I can’t hurt you,” Diego said. “Even if you’re letting me.”

“Jesus, Diego, how many times— the only way you could hurt me is by keeping it from me,” Five said. He rubbed his knuckles over his eyes. “I suppose your unerring conviction to do the right thing was bound to catch up with me one of these days.”

“This isn’t because of Klaus,” Diego said. “I don’t— give a damn about that.” It felt illicit and stomach-turning to say out loud. “But you deserve more than someone who’s got one foot out the door.”

Five recoiled. “Is that what you are?”

“You knew what you were getting into,” Diego said.

For a moment, Five’s face twisted, hurt. Then he warped out of the bed, standing up, and beginning to gather his clothes. “I did,” he said acidly. “You’re an asshole, Diego. You’re so self-centered, aren’t you? You date the one person in the world who looks at you like you hung the moon, and then you cheat on him with the next cute twink you see, and then you drop your side-piece when he stops being fun. You go to brunch with your family and hurt your sister’s feelings because you can. Christ, you still go out and _fight crime,_ as if that’s your own bright idea and not Dad’s wet dream.”

The room was quiet. The boiler hissed. Diego’s stomach turned over and over and over. He breathed out and then he looked up at Five.

“Are you done?” he said.

“Yes,” Five said. He looked at Diego, cool and shuttered. “I knew exactly what I was getting into.”

“I need my sunglasses back,” Five said, materializing on Diego’s side of the bed.

Diego twitched under the covers, woken up and disoriented. Of course Five knew when Klaus would be in rehab. Five knew everything.

Five remembered yesterday, Diego realized, and he wanted to sink through the mattress and fall through the floor.

He rolled over so he was lying on his back, looking up at the ceiling. No risk of looking Five in the eye. “Nine a.m. and you’re back here bugging me, huh?”

“Yes,” Five said. “Because I need my sunglasses.”

“And you can’t just grab them?” Diego said. “They’re somewhere in this room.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

Five was silent.

Diego looked to the side, registering the sunglasses where they were sitting on Klaus’s bedside table.

He half-smiled. “So fucking his boyfriend is one thing, but walking around to his side of the bed is too far?”

“Why are they there?” Five said.

“He thinks they’re mine,” Diego said. He sat up, stretching. “You left them here, I had to cover.”

“I’m aware,” Five said.

“He likes me in them, actually,” Diego said. “Wants me to keep them on during sex.”

“I want them back.”

Diego eyed him for a moment, and then crawled across the bed, picking the sunglasses off Klaus’s table and crawling back to where Five was standing.

“Can you just give them to me?” Five said.

“Why do you need them so bad?” Diego said. He looked down at the sunglasses in his hands, turning them over.

“Because I’m hungover,” Five said.

Diego looked up.

Five’s eyes were bloodshot. His hair was rumpled, far from its usual coif, and the shadows under his eyes made his face look pale and fragile. His usually sharp blazer and shirt looked worn-out, no longer crisp, like the fabric itself was as exhausted as the man wearing them, and there was no trace of that dimple in Five’s miserable expression.

“You look fucked up,” Diego said. He nodded at the mug in Five’s hand. “Don’t tell me that’s more booze, man.”

Five took a sip from the travel mug. “Hair of the dog.”

“And why are you going on benders, exactly?” Diego said.

“If you’re going to break up with me, break up with me,” Five said. He ran a hand through his unkempt hair. “But give me my sunglasses back.”

Diego’s stomach dropped. He looked away, still achingly aware of Five in his peripheral vision. “So this is the end, huh?”

“Yes,” Five said.

Diego looked up at him. “I’ll miss it.”

“Then do something about it,” Five said, voice choked and bitter. He swayed. “Break up with him.”

“Five, I have tried to explain this to you so many times, but I cannot break up with him, he needs me,” Diego said, hitting the mug on his hand for emphasis. “I take care of him. He comes home from therapy and I have dinner on the table. He wakes up in the middle of the night, freaked out from a nightmare, I’m there to cuddle. I want him to get sober, and he’s doing it for me, and I owe him.”

“Is sober Klaus better than high Klaus?” Five said.

Diego stared at him. “Sober Klaus is safe.”

“And that’s the only thing that matters to you,” Five said. “The safe option. You’re— babysitting him.” He considered his travel mug in Diego’s hand. “It’s interesting, because in the cliche, the husband usually has the affair with the attractive babysitter.”

“What are you trying to say?” Diego said.

“I don’t know,” Five said, looking up at Diego. “I am, as you yourself recognized, distinctly fucked up right now. If your ward saw me right now, he’d tremble in temptation. He’d wish he were me.”

“My boyfriend,” Diego corrected.

Five shot him a skeptical look.

“He needs to live like this,” Diego said.

“In fact, he does not,” Five said. He gestured. There was something needlingly professorial about him, and Diego hissed like a cat. “What Klaus needs is to become a functional, stable adult, and he can’t do that if you are essentially hooking him up to an IV port and sluggishly injecting him with increasingly resentful tender mercies until he’s entirely dependent on you like a baby bird.”

“You get mouthy when you’re drunk,” Diego said, leaning back.

Five folded his arms. “I get smarter.”

“Cute,” Diego said.

“Point two,” Five said.

“Is this a lecture?”

“Yes,” Five said.

“Perfect,” Diego said. “My mistress is telling me how I’m fucking up my life. Favorite way to start the day.”

“Your statement demands that I change course in my topic and I need to now delay point two to point three, so you can go fuck yourself,” Five said. “Amended point two: I am not your mistress. I am your outlet. There is no way you could be in this relationship with Klaus without having an affair.”

“Sweetheart, you think so highly of me,” Diego said.

“You do not call him sweetheart ever,” Five said.

“I’m being sarcastic,” Diego said.

“Whatever,” Five said. “My proof is in the wrong order. I need to start with the evidence.” He gestured widely around the room. “This is— you—”

There was a lock of hair hanging in Five’s face, right over his forehead. Diego wanted to tuck it back.

Five swallowed. “I—”

Diego looked up at him.

“I don’t want you to leave me,” Five said, and his voice broke.

Diego stood up. Five looked small and miserable, huddled and defeated. Like he was in the Apocalypse. Like Diego was the apocalypse. Diego was suddenly hit by how much Five kept within himself, how tightly compressed his timeline was, folded in on itself, disaster upon disaster bounded in a nutshell. He’d seen Five sharp in crisis mode, weary at a family meal, shiny-eyed and pliant during sex; he’d seen the tiny flash of a smile that felt rare and miraculous, every unprecedented mood that Five surrendered to him, but he’d never seen Five look so old before. Diego stood and looked at him for just a moment, heart in his throat, and then he moved in and wrapped his arms around Five.

“Nngh,” Five said. He gave a muffled laugh, cynical. “Caretaker instincts.”

“Not that,” Diego said. Five smelled like tequila. Diego closed his eyes, squeezing them shut, and then he opened them.

“I’m not gonna let you go this time,” he said, voice quiet and low.

Five rested his forehead against Diego’s shoulder. “You hafta pick one of us, Diego.”

“I don’t like that,” Diego said.

“Yeah, me neither,” Five said. “You know if we were really— if we were a real— I’d treat you really well, you know that?”

“Yeah?” Diego said, smiling a little.

“I’d buy you flowers and shit,” Five said. “Fifty-eight damn years, I know how to be a gentleman. And I have money. I’m a time traveller, I went back and made all the right investments.” He laughed at himself. “I’d buy us a house.”

“Whoa, hey,” Diego said. “I don’t need a house.”

“Oh,” Five said. “Fair enough. Then I’d just get you flowers.”

Diego touched his face. “Is your idea of romance the 1950s I’m-sweet-on-you-let’s-go-steady kind of deal?”

“Yeah,” Five said, like it was obvious.

Diego smiled a little. “I like that.”

“I know,” Five said, pulling away, “which is why it’s so fucking unfair that you’re with him, because I swear to God, Diego, you are a pretty puppy with angel eyes who needs to be wooed, and I genuinely would do it. Instead I’m here and I’m only going to remember seventy-five percent of what I say to you and I need to pick up my sunglasses because being outdoors in the sunlight with my headache makes me want to kill myself.”

Diego’s throat felt tight. Five’s words hit him in a place deeper and more vulnerable than guilt, and he pulled him in, needing to feel the pressure of his body against his. He kissed Five, rough but chaste, and then he kissed his forehead.

“Why’d you do that?” Five said, blinking up at him.

“For your headache,” Diego said, and he kissed Five’s temple. 

“You’re weird,” Five said, smiling up at him.

“Like you’re any better,” Diego murmured. He touched Five’s face. “I don’t like it when you get drunk, baby.”

“Right, because you’re Captain Sobriety these days,” Five said. “I think you know all the Narcotics Anonymous steps better than Klaus.”

“It’s not about that,” Diego said.

“Yeah, I know,” Five said. “I know. Delores… you know.”

Diego wrapped his arms tighter around him.

“She used to hate it when I got drunk,” Five mumbled. “An’ now she’s gone, and there’s no one to care.”

“I care,” Diego said into Five’s hair.

“You’re using up all your caring on Klaus.”

Diego swallowed.

Five looked up at him. “Right?”

“Klaus is using up all his caring on me,” Diego said.

Five huffed out a laugh. Diego smiled, tucking back that persistent lock of hair that hung in Five’s face, and Five swayed, tipping in to lean against him.

“You can have your sunglasses back,” Diego said. “But I don’t wanna break up.”

“Yeah, me neither,” Five mumbled. He pulled back, looking haggard. “We’re going to have to figure this out.”

“Yeah,” Diego said. “Not this morning, though.”

He looked back at the bed. Every single part of him wanted to pull Five down and let him sleep, get him a glass of water and let him curl up with his head in Diego’s lap and doze off, a lazy weekday morning with nothing but intimacy and quiet touches. He wanted to be able to look around the room and see a home for two people, not for himself and a guest: he could pick out every item in the boiler room as his or Klaus’s, like they were labeled with little dots, and there was no in-between.

“You should go,” he said. “Not— not permanently. But…”

“Right,” Five said. Somehow, his hands had ended up fisted in the front of Diego’s shirt.

“Right,” Diego echoed.

“Because Klaus will be back soon,” Five said. “He catches the early bus because he always makes an excuse to skip out of therapy.”

Diego shook his head, paradoxically proud of him for remembering. “Always does.”

“So that’s why I should leave,” Five said, moving closer to Diego.

“Yeah,” Diego said.

“Yeah?” Five said, looking up at him.

Diego nodded. The walls of the room seemed fragile, thin as a membrane, transparent as glass. They were in the wrong. If someone walked in the door right now and saw them entangled with each other, this close to kissing, they would have evidence to bring to Klaus— _look, your perfect boyfriend is standing in your shared apartment with his arms around his brother. You should call him out. Throw something on the floor so it shatters. Cry._

“I love you,” Diego said, looking him in the eye. His heart was beating fast. “Not him.”

**Author's Note:**

> [electra-xt](https://electra-xt.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr, taking prompts, come talk to me about TUA!


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